


happiness

by mewtophia



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Animal Death, Anxiety, Assassination Attempt(s), Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Claude isn’t ok can we get an amen, Claude von Riegan Needs a Hug, Claude von Riegan-centric, Eating Disorders, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Golden Deer Route, Food Poisoning, Gen, Golden Deer Students as Family (Fire Emblem), Hospitalization, Lorenz is a little shit but, Other, Panic Attacks, Stressed Claude von Riegan, i think, my boy isnt oKAY, this isn’t okay, yeah no
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:47:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28858332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mewtophia/pseuds/mewtophia
Summary: Khalid and Claude are one, and they go through the hardship of life together.
Relationships: Golden Deer Students & Claude von Riegan
Kudos: 24





	happiness

**Author's Note:**

> TW// There’s animal death here (if you want to skip it, then when a white wyvern is mentioned, just skip that part entirely. It’s short if it helps. You can read again when it mentions that Claude is 11) and some eating disorders. Yeah. I’m sorry, Claude. :’)))
> 
> I’m a bit scared tbh, lol. Enjoy :

**١**

Khalid is seven, and a feast is going on. He is happy, he wants to eat and eat and eat until his belly gives in to fullness. Because that’s what a child should think, right? They should not care if there might be poison in the food, who cares? Yummy food is yummy food.

Not for Khalid.

Khalid makes sure he isn’t poisoned. He pokes and stares at his food until he’s sure it’s safe. He gets teased by Mohammed for doing it, but he doesn’t understand, of course he doesn’t. But for once, he lets himself indulge.

For once, he allows himself to savor the confectioneries and juicy meat that is being served.

And Khalid is stupid.

He takes a bite, and is throwing up minutes later. He feels his nose bleed, and he’s rushed to care immediately. His half-brothers mock him for being weak, for being so vulnerable to a simple poison.

But they wouldn’t understand.

None of them do, and they don’t care. They say Khalid is a child, but he is _not._ He’s already seven, mature and ready. He knows things a child shouldn’t know.

And when he’s laid to rest for the night, he holds back tears.

**====**

**٢**

Khalid is nine, and he saves a baby wyvern.

This wyvern is white, and pretty. White wyverns are a sign of bad luck, he hears. But that doesn’t matter, not for a person like him. Habib cares, and he starts shouting at small little Khalid for bringing in a white wyvern.

They scream and shout, alerting the guards. They rush and see the baby white wyvern, and they also panic.

Adults are stronger, Khalid realizes. No matter how many times he kicks and screams, their arms will still hold him back. They make him watch as Habib smashes the baby white wyvern, he screams and screams until his lungs give out. When it’s dead, they place Khalid down.

He slowly walks up to the corpse, and he stares at it for what felt like an eternity. They leave, and Khalid is still left with the corpse. He’s an Almyran, he must know the myths, he must know.

He must know.

He does, and yet he lets himself cry for the first time.

**====**

**٣**

Khalid is eleven, and he hates his birthday.

He always has, but eleven leaves a sour taste in his mouth.

He is reminded about how his mother almost failed to conceive him, and that it should’ve stayed that way. He thinks it should’ve, and it was hard to disagree with them.

Maybe, just _maybe,_ life would be easier if he just wasn’t here at all. But he has ambitions, he has plans, erasing himself would defeat the purpose; and so he stays.

Nader keeps treating him like a child, and he hates it, because he _isn’t._

_You’ll grow up to be a fine young man._ They say, as he watches eyes glare at him from every direction. He smiles, he laughs, and he drops when he leaves.

He wants to scream, _how dare they_ have the **audacity** to treat him as if he knew nothing? He knew a lot of things.

Khalid knows a child shouldn’t care about what’s inside food. Khalid knows a child shouldn’t cry about a baby wyvern like it was their only family. Khalid knows a child doesn’t fear for their life every single day. Khalid knows a child doesn’t hide behind a mask and hopes for the best.

Khalid knows a child shouldn’t know what true fear is.

**====**

**٤**

Khalid is fifteen, and he forgets how to breathe.

It should be simple, and yet he can’t. It suddenly feels like what he’s doing is wrong, and everything is so loud. Why can’t he breathe?

_Why can’t he breathe?_

Pathetic, but he wants to call for him mama.

Mama.

Mama.

Mama.

Where is mama?

She’s in her room. He’s in his room. Yet, it still feels so far away. She’s only a few rooms away, why can’t he just get up?

It feels cold.

He wants to go home.

But what even is home?

**====**

**٥**

Claude has decided: he hates Lorenz.

Lorenz, Lorenz, Lorenz. _Why?_ Always trying to one-up him. Lecturing even about his habits, but he doesn’t understand. Of course he doesn’t, he’s a pampered noble.

A pampered noble wouldn’t understand him.

His routine with Lorenz is simple. Go to class, lecture, class, lunch, lecture, class, and it continues until night time where he checks to make sure everyone’s alright.

Excluding himself, of course. He knows he’s okay. Besides, he lights up a candle and goes into the library to do extra studying. He stops when his candle is almost out, and he rushes back to his room to make sure nobody followed him.

Simple makeup helps him cover the eyebags, and adding his own lipstick helps with his alibi when people ask about the makeup.

His finger taps, his arm is tired, the book’s paper turns, and the cycle repeats. He doesn’t let Lorenz ruin it, if he did; he wouldn’t forgive him. He hates Lorenz. And Lorenz hates him.

The very next day, he gets lectured from Lorenz when he’s alone at the training grounds.

He snaps, he tumbles, and he suddenly feels so small.

Lorenz comes closer, and nothing matters anymore.

Lorenz gets closer, Claude goes farther. Lorenz raises a hand, Claude raises both arms. Lorenz speaks, and Claude cries.

How long has it been since he felt the tears pour?

How long has it been since he allowed himself these feelings?

He just wants to go home.

Lorenz touches him, and he screams at him. He begs, he pleads, and he cries.

Is he here to hurt?

Is he here to taunt?

Claude doesn’t care, why should he? His death feels like it’s drawing nearer and nearer and nearer and nearer and nearer and nearer and nearer and

_Mama_

_Baba_

_Please_

_I want to go home_

_Bring me home_

_Please_

_I miss you so much_

_I don’t want to be here anymore_

_Please_

_Please_

_Please_

_Please_

_Please_

_Please_

_Please_

_I’ll be a good boy from now on_

_I’ll follow your rules_

_I won’t leave the palace if you don’t want me to_

_I’ll be good_

_I promise_

_So please_

_Bring me home_

_…_

_What even is a home_

Lorenz doesn’t bother him anymore.

**====**

**٦**

It was supposed to be Hilda’s turn to dry the clothing, but her obvious manipulation shined through. Claude is tired, but he accepts it.

Hang, clip, repeat. Hang, clip, repeat.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Hilda’s voice says it’s time for dinner, and he says he isn’t hungry.

That’s a lie.

He’s _starving._ But he can’t trust the meals, no. Trusting the meals meant letting yourself be vulnerable. Claude isn’t vulnerable, he is strong. Besides, he has his own little water bottle. He allows himself to drink until he’s satiated, and satiated he shall be when dinner is over.

But Teach invites him to dinner.

It’s pathetic.

Lysithea and Teach talk, and Claude lets in a few jokes and comments, but his food.

His _food._

He wants to puke, he wants to push it away, he wants to throw it out and make sure it doesn’t hurt him.

Lysithea tells him to eat, and he smiles as he takes in a few bites, only to say he isn’t hungry after eating an acceptable amount. Teach and Lysithea raise their eyebrows, but they nod and let him leave.

He pukes into a bush.

**====**

**٧**

He felt weak, and in the infirmary he is.

He hears static.

It all feels like nothing.

He can’t move, it feels numb, it hurts to breathe.

And Leonie snaps him back to reality.

Pink and blue from Hilda and Marianne mix in his vision, blonde and green also mix like Raphael and Ignatz. Lorenz, who has a very distinctive purple, sits and stays silent; good. Lysithea scolds him for not being careful, and Teach carefully escorts him out.

He feels like falling.

With every step, his legs only gave out more.

With every breath, it feels like he’s on the verge of death.

With every blink, the world becomes even more blurry.

He is laid down, and his eyes shut down before slowly awakening again by the sound of Hilda talking to him about something, a plate of food in her hands as she scoops up a disgustingly large amount into the spoon.

When he feels it near his lips, he takes in just enough to satisfy her, and it repeats.

When she leaves, his stomach feels like it’s twisting and turning.

**====**

**٨**

They’re all so nice, and he doesn’t know what to feel.

He tends to get irked whenever Raphael and Ignatz swoop in to help him with his books for his research, but it feels nice after a while. Leonie goes in to make sure he’s not overtraining himself, _Hilda_ offers to do his work for him.

Lorenz offers him warm tea and some biscuits, Marianne asks if he’s willing to come and groom the horses with her, and Lysithea gifts him a cake.

The said cake sits on his desk as he studies. He feels guilty for sneaking glances at it, the thought of allowing himself such goodness makes him feel guilty, but…

He takes a bite, and he takes in again, and again, and again, and again.

No wonder Lysithea loves sweets, they’re a burst of energy. He suddenly feels something, and he finally feels like moving. He eats more cake, letting the sweetness fill his mouth until there’s nothing left.

He isn’t much of a sweets person, but just this once, he’ll allow himself to this.

And maybe when the time comes, he’ll allow himself such happiness as well.

**Author's Note:**

> Please talk to someone if you’re experiencing such things. Your feelings are valid and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
> 
> :))


End file.
